1. If you are ready to kid any day, the honor of all the goats is in your hands. Use this time to avenge all of your barn- mates. Think about all your friends who have had to wear silly hats or antlers for Christmas card photos, posed for calendar pictures, or got dressed up in unthinkable costumes for Halloween.
2. When you hear the words, " I can't take it any more, she's never going to kid!" wait 3 more days.
3. When you hear "She's nowhere near kidding, we can go (Fill in the blank)," wait until your humans are all cleaned up, dressed up, and ready to go, give a good scream and start pushing.
4. For every monitor, camera, bell, or beeper your humans use to keep tabs on your due date, delay delivery by one day. If they are using audio, one good groan per hour will keep them on their toes!
5. You must keep the end-of-pregnancy waiting game interesting! False alarms are mandatory. Little things like looking at your food as if it were gross, digging a little with your hoofs to make a nice nest, and turning your head and talking to your stomach will always get a rise out of your owners!
6. Here's a really important one: Figure out when your owners get ready to go to bed, when they get up, when they shower, and especially when they sit down to a meal. This cannot be allowed! And, don't ever let them use the bathroom in peace. A huge pushing scream (fake one that is) will get them out to the barn in record time. Make sure you look at them with big innocent eyes at this point!
7. Feeding time, when all of your friends are really hungry is a great time to go into real labor! Really make a fuss so that only half of the feed pans have been filled, water buckets are empty, the barn is in chaos because everyone is hungry and need to be milked, and are using their loudest voices to let your owners know they are hungry and full of milk. Take your time, relax, and enjoy how crazy you are making your humans!
8. Start off with a screaming push if you realize your owner is half dressed. Its fun to see them running to the barn and trying to get dressed at the same time, especially if it's below zero!
9. Make sure you never look "that far along"! That way you can have your kids outside and really start a scramble! The best time to do this when your owner is half dressed and he/she tucks your new slimy baby into their jacket only to find that they threw a jacket on over an unbuttoned pajama top. It's really fun!
10. Make the most of your pregnancy. Beg for food every time there is a human in sight. Your barn-mates will love you for this one!
11. This one applies whether you're pregnant or not. Only get your head stuck in the hay feeder when the weather is at its worst, or it's nighttime, otherwise it's really not as much fun. As your owner fumbles with the screwdriver, make sure you look up at them with your big brown eyes and let them know how appreciative you are.
12. When you are in heat, act like a shameless hussy. Drive those boys to distraction. This will drive your humans to distraction, too!
Now remember girls, this was designed to drive your humans crazy. It will gently remind him/her how special goats really are, especially when you present them with a beautiful doeling who you can secretly teach The Code to for future generations!
Written by: Janice Spaulding Goat School: A Master Class in Caprine Care and Cooking